Long Distance

Did I like or love him?

The answer is "I did't know, still I don't know."

I met a man yesterday, and was waiting for him since I broke up my EX.
He is my friend who used to like me.
The reason why I waited for him is to confirm my feeling.

When I first met him, I had a boyfriend.
Everytime I met him except yesterday, I had the boyfriend.

Sometimes I felt he might like me. I don't care if it was my overconfidence.
I thought it was comfortable if I was with him.

One day I was confused as if we were husband and wife, while he and I walked together. I wasn't feel good at that time because of my EX and also I was afraid that situation because it was too realistic.

I was keen on my EX, I tried not to see him.
He probably knew I really liked my EX, so he didn't say anything.
I'm sure I broke his heart.

Comfortable.

I think I just thought about conditions, and dreamed the future with him. I know I'm stupid.

When I met him yesterday, I felt something different.
I mean, he looked a little bit different.

He has a woman he is dating with.

I was convinced.

On the way to go to the station, I told him what I thought. Of course, he was confused, but he told me his situation, and gave me his answer. I appriciated him. I just told my feeling to be released from the struggling. This is totally my ego. I'm sure he was uncomfortable and angry in his mind.

"Don't say that now."

I had no rights to tell him my feeling, but I did.
I'm very sorry, but thank you for listening.
Also thank you, God. You give me the answer, too.

I hoped too much. I haven't contacted to him since we met last time.
Suddenly I started, as if I remembered him.

I was stuck on my past memory to be happy. When I walked with him, I didn't have the same feeling as I felt before. I don't know it was just because I heard he has a woman, or I was shocked. Anyway I didn't feel he suit me. Maybe there was a distance or wall between he and I.

I realised I didn't see him when I was with him. I was surprised how tall he is, I didn't remember whether he has wrincle around his eyes.

He is living his life, and I'm living my life.
There is no my space in his mind.
Long distance and time changed our situations a lot.

I noticed now. I didn't say "I like you" to him.

Did I really like him?
Did I try to use him to escape from my current situation?
Did I just want a stable life?

I don't know.

So, why I'm crying now?